How do you tell your heart to stop loving!
2006-05-22 - 2:16 a.m.

I am back in Nebraska for the summer and I've only been back one day and already I'm regretting my decision to come back, even just for the summer.

Me and my ex had plans today to hang out. Me and my ex always talk and are friends. Technically hes not even my ex anything but that is a whole other story. He frustrates me sometimes to the point where I want to scream. Because I don't know if he is being real with me or not. And I know the fact that I have to doubt his sincerity is a huge red flag.

The thing is. I will always love and want to be with him. He will never love or want to be with me. It's not healthy for me to hang out with him or talk to him, even as just friends. It allows me to still hope that someday maybe he will change his mind. It's been almost five years and he hasn't ever thought I was good enough.

I wish I knew how to move on. I wish someone could teach me how to stop loving him. The thing is that my heart believes that he is the one for me and it doesn't really want to listen to reason. In my head I know that I need to run, not walk as far away from him as possible.

Not to mention the fact that he has royally fucked with my head and made it impossible for me to trust another guy or let another guy in. I once had a guy tell me that I had issues and needed therapy. Ha! If I meet a new guy I never let him get to close because I'm afraid that I won't be good enough or I'm afraid that he'll find someone better. I always had trust issues and the one guy I let in was the wrong one and I'm afraid that if I let another guy in and trust another guy I might not survive another heartbreak.

All I can hope is that someday I'll be strong enough to walk away with my chin held high and never look back.

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